The best Vin Diesel can manage in one colloquy is, “This is different. The actors – including Elijah Wood, Rose Leslie and Isaach De Bankolé – tend to talk in statements rather than free-flowing dialogue, as the three scriptwriters seem to be averse to normal conversation. Set in a largely nocturnal New York, the film relies on slurpy, tentacled CGI for its diabolic effects, which get tiresome after the first four minutes. In fact, there’s a lot of noise – and jarring sound effects – in this overblown fantasy, which feels like a videogame stretched to 106 interminable minutes. There are a lot of bugs in Breck Eisner’s The Last Witch Hunter, and they make a lot of noise as they crawl out of unexpected places or flutter around fabricated illusions. The ‘Alfred’ to his Batman is Michael Caine, a wise old priest who prefers physical Bibles to iPads, the better to swat pesky insects. He plays ‘Kaulder,’ an indestructible monolith who has been hunting witches for 800 years. One would like to feel sorry for Vin Diesel for ending up in this computer-generated headache, but as he co-produced the thing we can but hiss and boo. A good time, then, to dish out Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and The Last Witch Hunter, pre-Thanksgiving turkeys both.
Now that the summer blockbusters have cleaned up at the box-office and with the Oscar contenders gathering momentum in the wings, it’s a scheduling dead zone.
In the shadow of Spectre opening on Monday, this would appear to be the worst week of the cinematic year.
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